4.26.2012

No Neutral Relating

A former boss/mentor/fatherly-friend once told me 'You can't not lead; the fact is you're always leading, it's just a matter of how well or poorly you're doing it.'  This phrase has been stuck in my head for years now, and always seems to find new areas to lay hold of.  Lately, this saying has modified into 'You can't not affect others in relationships, you're either building up or tearing down, there is no neutral.'
"Sin sprouts, as banana trees on the Nile, whenever the effect of your relationships with others is to diminish rather than enlarge them.  There is no neutral corner in your human encounters, no antiseptic arena in which 'nobody else is hurt' or 'nobody else knows about it.'  You either make people a little better, or leave them a little worse."  Frederick Buechner
When I read the above quote I was affirmed in so much of my own woundedness, as well as provoked to consider the many ways in which I have wounded others.  It seems that so much of what we do in ourselves we consider to have no effect on those with whom we are intimately relating.  I think this is most clearly seen in addiction, wherein the addict believes the only harm being procured is to themselves (if they see any at all), and in this self-absorbed blindness they fail to see the emotional harm they cause to those around them, whether by blatant jabs and emotive cuts of anger, or in the more subtle but quite as harmful inattention they pay.

This also seems to be the case in those personal and secretive sins, such as pornography.  The idea that one can use pornography to meet internal needs is in itself a denial to those with whom you are relating to intimately meet those very needs (intimacy is much grander than just sex).  By overly giving my attention to an object, behavior or substance, I am essentially denying another to know me, and in the process denying another of being known.  Thus, what I once considered something harmful only to myself has wounded those who I was made to share life with intimately.  This wound typically finds its target in another's worth and identity.

Unfortunately, the buck doesn't stop with addicts and pornographers.  This giving of myself to an object, behavior or substance occurs at a much grander level.  What about when I deny another intimacy as I give myself too fully to my work, leisure, religion, entertainment, studies, self-satisfaction, etc.?  When Abba asked for Israel's affection, He referred to this denial as their worshiping idols and false-gods.

I write this with much sorrow as I recognize the past, current, and future wounds I gave and will give to my wife and children, all due to my self-focused activity and behavior which I consider(ed) harmful to no one but myself.
"Life can be taken out of others in rivulets and drops, in the small daily failures of inattention, that bitterest fruit of self-absorption, as surely as by the terrible strokes to their hearts." Brennan Manning 
I believe the question to ask oneself is 'Who am I denying intimate relationship, and what am I doing which is hindering this?'  I believe changing this is as simple as paying attention.  First, to myself and the needs I am seeking to meet in all my behaviors and  relationships.  Secondly, to those who I am in relationship, and to what I am denying them in my behaviors and relationships.  Third, pay attention to what those around me are longing for with and from me.  Abba wired us for intimacy, and it really is as simple as paying attention to how to feed that intimate hunger.

4.23.2012

On being Honest...

Such a vital part of vulnerability comes by way of being honest.  By this I am referring to true honesty, with all its scary, terrifying truth.  If I can't be honest with myself, then I stand no chance of being honest with others.  If I am unable to be honest with others, how will they ever know me?  Thus, how will I ever connect at an intimate level with another?

Here's my task: to speak where I'm at, what I feel, want, think to another.  Lay it out there, show my cards.  In the past week I've resolved to do this twice, with each situation having drastic possibilities for this thing called honesty to blow up in my face.  Yet, I've set my teeth and determined to do it.  To speak truthfully and vulnerably; with all my pain, fears, and hesitations.  The hard part comes when the recipient of this honesty is not a safe person.  So, I'm giving them an opportunity, allowing them in a bit and letting them respond as they will.  The chances of this hurting are pretty great, with the chances of this healing and developing growth in relationships equally as possible.

In case your asking 'How can I be honest with someone I feel unsafe communicating with?' here's one idea that's seemed to work for me.  Write a letter.  I began by writing a letter in my journal, never intending on letting another read it.  After a week or two of chewing and digesting all the pain, fury and sadness in my journal, I sat down with a pen to write another.  I read it aloud; to myself, close friends, and my wife.  The feedback I received rang true to what I was trying to express.

What about the motivation behind writing out honest pain, fears, bitterness, rage and desires?  To be quite honest, I don't expect anything in return.  The mere notion of standing up for myself, expressing some of my deepest wounds and longings, has been quite enough.  In fact, for quite a while I didn't even see the need in sending the letter, but eventually wanted to give another the chance of receiving me.  Honesty can't be grounded in seeking change in another, which is a not-so-subtle form of manipulation.  Rather honesty must allow them the opportunity to hear and respond however they might.

I think Jesus knew this.  He allowed others into his pain, his identity, and even his intimate communication with the Father.  Yet, he knew many would never receive him, but would instead betray him, deny his friendship, and use his words against him.  But he vulnerably communicated with them anyway.

Why?

Jesus could be honest with those around him because of who he was secure in.  His security did not rely on their acceptance, approval, or faithfulness to him.  He was in no way dependent on men for his identity, voice, power or freedom.  Rather, and this is so huge to me, he was securely loved by his Father, and knew that regardless of his emotion, or how others responded to his communication, he would be loved and kept by Him.
His security was abiding in Abba's furious love for him.
My security can abide in Abba's furious love for me.

I can speak honestly from myself because I am a kept, secured, and loved child of Abba.

4.21.2012

Posted: Listen (self-awareness)

Last weekend I was exploring and working through some fears I have in regards to potential sin, future mistakes, career decisions, etc.  Rather than what I have normally heard from others (i.e. just try harder; buckle down, grit your teeth, and push through; trust more; have more faith; persevere), the feedback I received was much different.


Listen.

Quit trying to fix everything and just pay attention to what you hear.  This listening is not referring to the many different voices around me, but rather to what's going on inside me.  This idea of self-awareness is relatively new to my Christian walk.  By self-aware I mean knowing myself in relation to me, others, and Yahweh.
Most of the time I feel like I'm walking with a serious limp as I attempt to know myself.  In fact, there are times this seems at odds with following Jesus, or at least the version of Jesus I was introduced to earlier on in life.  Now, I'm not so sure.  Several new ideas are starting to form as I contemplate the self-aware Christian.

  • How can I 'cast my cares on the Lord' (Ps. 55:22; 1 Peter 5:7), if I don't have any notion of what my cares are?  It seems we so often use this phrase as an escape from having to actually identify the pain, grief, and shame which saturates their lives (aka 'Let go and let God').
      
  • The Proverbs seem to consistently put a great emphasis on understanding before speaking, which I don't believe is limited to just external cognitive knowledge.  Rather, to be non-foolish, one needs to understand themselves, as well as those around them before they speak (Prov. 1:4-6, 4:1,18:2).  Thus, speaking for self involves understanding others and oneself before a word is ever uttered.
     
  • Additionally, the Proverbs call us to listen before speaking. (Prov. 1:5; 4:10; 12:15; 18:13) Listening, not just hearing, necessitates receiving feedback from others about oneself, which is then integrated into ones total self-knowledge.  To speak before listening (receiving from others what they are offering in the form of feedback, instruction, affirmation, correction, etc.), is as foolish as taking a trip cross-country without receiving supplies, direction, or advice.  At some point you'll most likely find yourself stranded, out of fuel, and isolated on the side of the road.
     
  • The mere essence of the Trinity is one of knowing and being known.  This knowing does not end in regards to others, but is found in its fullness when turned inwards.  Jesus not only knew the Father and walked in obedience, but had a firm grasp on who he was (the Son - John 8:28), what he was sent to do (Isaiah 61/Luke 4:17-19 - set the captives free), and the limits of himself (Matt. 24:36 - the Son doesn't know the day nor the hour).  How can one know and be known by others when they are disconnected from themselves?
     
  • The actions of Jesus seem to come out of a profound awareness of self in relation to who he knew himself to be, who he knew others to be, and who he knew Abba to be.  Time spent alone, or with friends, at sea, in the synagogue, or in large crowds are all intentional actions coming out of Christ's  intimate knowledge of self.  Often, I think I have made the mistake of viewing the Son of Man as a robot implanted with a divine hard-drive, rather than a man of sorrows who daily sought communion with Abba.
     
  • The need for self-awareness is also seen in Jesus' communication with others.  He pushed the rich man to see he couldn't find righteousness on his own (Mark 10:17-30).  After Peter denied him, he pushed Peter to embrace the pain he had caused, as well as who he was being transformed to be as a Shepherd (John 21:15-19).  At the well he challenged the Samaritan woman to see herself, truly see herself, in all her brokenness, sinfulness and need, and after glimpsing herself as she is, her eyes were opened to the Messiah (John 4:1-45).
     
I've seen the joys of self-awareness in my marriage, the glimmering shadow of my relationship with Abba.  If knowing myself truly has such a profound impact as I relate to my wife, how much more will it have as I relate to my Father.  Is self-awareness painful at times?  You bet, but how else can I commune with Abba without it.  

4.12.2012

Who do you say that I am?

"Who do you say that I am?"  This question had to baffle the disciples the first time they heard it.  How is one to answer such a personal, intimate, knowing question asked by the Word in flesh?

It's helpful to keep in mind that this question shows up in three of the four Gospels, giving us a notion of just how profoundly important it was in the minds of Matthew, Mark and Luke.  Which begs the question, 'What is it about this question that is so important?'  Quite honestly, I'm not sure the weight of this question lies in some great theology or doctrine.  Jesus had gotten to know these friends of his deeply and intimately, whether it be in a small boat on a raging sea; on multiple mile-long treks; in crowds of lepers, whores, thieves and the religious; or around a table breaking bread; the incarnate Word in flesh had gotten to know their hearts and was now turning the question to them.  I think Jesus is simply asking 'Do you know me, do you really know me?'  This seems to be the same question we, if we're seeking out connection and vulnerable intimacy with others, ask those around us.  Again, how does one answer this question posed by the living Christ?
"Only a superficial stereotyped answer can be forthcoming if we have not developed a personal relationship with Jesus.  We can only repeat and reproduce pious turns of speech that others have spoken or wave a catechism under children's noses if we have not gained some partial insight, some small perception, of the inexhaustible richness of the mystery of who is Jesus Christ."  Brennan  Manning
Three years in Seminary have given me an arsenal full of those 'pious turns of speech' mentioned above.  If someone asked me 'Who is Jesus?' I, as many of my peers, could (and most probably would) give a lengthy monologue about Jesus as the interceding priest, the true Davidic King, or the final paschal lamb of atonement.  This is all true, all very, very good, and in many ways has deepened my love for Jesus.  Yet it sounds much like what the disciples answered with, references to others or to a prophet long gone but now returned, but not from actual intimate knowing.  That is, until Peter, that reckless and needy disciple, who answers with 'Messiah'.  It's not a far stretch to realize Peter had experienced Jesus as Messiah.  Peter's heart had been turned toward Jesus in love and then given a small glimpse into his divine person-hood.

As I reflect on this question Jesus asks his followers to answer, I come away today with an answer so new and odd that I'm not quite sure how it fits into my framework of Christianity.  If I were to answer today I believe I would respond with 'brother'.  If I were asked to go into more depth, I would probably stumble over my words (likely making a mess of it all).  Yet, I find I am beginning to know him as brother.  I imagine this is what it's like for my two year old growing up in a home with a brother four years his elder.  He could point out his brother, know what he looks like, maybe even speak his name.  If you asked my youngest son to explain who his brother is, he could probably do little more than acknowledge him.  Yet, he knows him as brother.  He plays with him, spends time following him around, and often pesters him with his neediness for attention.  I'm grateful to be experiencing Jesus in this new way, a way I never before realized possible, much less acceptable or desired by an Almighty God.

How audacious and reckless, to call the infinite and eternal God-Man 'brother'.

How much more incredible and overwhelming to be called 'little brother' in return.

4.07.2012

The Cross and Vulnerability

Sitting with friends recently, it occurred to us just how difficult it is to be honest.  Truly honest.  Not the kind of honesty that holds back in fear of being rejected, nor the kind that honestly says what you 'should' say to others.  This aversion to honesty stems out of an inability to be vulnerable.  Reflecting on the cross, I realized how much it has to teach me about living a vulnerable life.  Gutsy, raw, nothing-held-back, fully self-aware vulnerability.

It is really astounding to observe the vulnerability of Jesus in the Gospel of John as he drew near to the cross in that last week. 
  • He asks his followers and friends to forfeit their life, to die like a grain of wheat as they follow him.  (John 12:20-26)  O how difficult I find it to speak my needs, dreams, hurts, and heart to those close to me for fear that they would leave me.
  • He fully understands who he is, his purpose in life and in a giving death, and does not withhold this knowing from his friends.  (12:27-36)  It seems insurmountable at times to let others in on my identity as it seems to harsh a risk to have who I am rejected or spurned.
  • He acts like a slave washing the crusted dirt off his friends' feet, which includes his betrayer. (13:1-20)  To lower my head and receive the reputation of a slave and ragamuffin does not become me; and this is only with my friends, it seems entirely foolish to do this with my enemies.  
  • He calls for his followers to love like he loves, entirely confident with every relationship he had ever encountered.  (13:31-35)  I tremble as I think of teaching my own children the way of love.
  • He unequivocally, without hesitation, pronounces himself absolute truth, way and life. (14:1-14) How often I hesitate to identify myself with Christianity for fear of being misunderstood, disliked or frowned upon.  
  • He considers another more important than himself as he assures his friends of the sending of the Helper. (14:15-31)  If you knew me, there seems no way to over-state my lacking in this.  
  • He knows and speaks of the absolute necessity to be connected to him/abide in him, and freely asks others to do so.  (15:1-17)  I am so terrified to be this connected and furiously loved by Abba.
  • He embraces loneliness, becoming entirely abandoned, and does not retreat from it as he remains intimate with Abba.  (16:29-33)  O, how I long to be this connected and secure.
  • He prays to Abba with all honesty, neediness, care, and boldness, and he does so aloud with his followers.  (John 17) Often I find my voice is all to afraid to beseech Abba in front of my peers as I am more concerned with their critique or response than with the bending of His ear to hear me.
  • He neither fights nor flees those seeking to put him to death, for his fear is in the holiness of Abba rather than in the swords of men.  (18:1-14)  My security far too often depends on the support of men than in being kept by Abba.  
  • He answers with full truth when his life is on the line, rather than bending his words to appease his accusers. (18:19-40)  My answers most often turn themselves to my ideal of what is wanting to be heard.
  • He walks head first into his vulgar, demeaning murder, fully aware that the power of his death was held entirely by his Father.  (19:1-16)  In times of uncertainty my faith is blown about like a ship at sea, and consistently forgets the Holder of my past, present, and future.
  • He was more concerned about his mother and followers continued caring relationships than he was about his own bloody, tortured and dying body.  (19:25-27)  At the slightest hint of discomfort my gaze is turned inward, rather than on those under my care.  
  • He laid in the grave, trusting that His Father could raise him from the greatest power man had ever known; fully abandoning himself to trusting Abba's love and power.  (19:31-42)  To have that kind of unbounded trust would truly set me free.
The entirety of his walk toward the cross was basked in the knowing presence of Abba.  His faith did not retreat or run away as he knew I AM was a keeper of His promises.  In this abiding intimacy Jesus was capable of making himself completely vulnerable to his lovers and haters; friends and enemies; followers and pursuers; disciples and crucifiers.  

If I am to make myself vulnerable, the cross of Christ teaches me that I must abide in Abba, having my safe and secure attachment in His faithful, Fatherly love.  Then and only then do I stand a fool's hope of being intimately and vulnerably known by those around me.  



 


4.05.2012

The Messianic Meal

After spending time on the mountainside healing the sick, wounded, oppressed, and inflicted, Jesus spoke this to his followers (Luke 6:20-21)
"You're blessed when you've lost it all. God's kingdom is there for the finding.
You're blessed when you're ravenously hungry.  Then you're ready for the Messianic meal.
You're blessed when the tears flow freely.  Joy comes in the morning."
This Maundy Thursday I look forward to the cup and bread of new covenant to feed my weak and frail spirit.  I reflect upon the past decade, in which I've lived in a constant stream of uncertainty, typified by change, loss and grief.  We came to seminary in need, having lost what job stability and safety we had once found secure.  We were starving for Jesus, desperately in need of his healing touch, ravenously hungry for the Messianic meal.  In many ways, this has been our mountainside meeting with Jesus, a foreign place in which we sat at his feet and received his blessing.  He spent time healing our emotional wounds, applying the balm of the Comforter to our weary and defeated souls.  We were needy ragamuffins, more akin to puppies waiting for scraps to be thrown from their Master's hand than strong, self-sufficient adults.  Thankfully, not much of this has changed.  In fact, I find myself hungrier now for the Messianic banquet than ever before.  For this insatiable hunger I am grateful.

This week I find myself in a situation I could never have planned, dreamed, or imagined; nor a situation I had ever asked for from Abba.  The tide seems to be changing, my fear of being capsized by insecurity or drowned in fear is being lessened by the week.  The prospect of a job which seems to fit me at my core is on the horizon.  I'm a witness to times of parenting my kids where I visibly see the gospel worked out and applied to their hearts.  Renee and I are increasingly fused together, ever more intwined as we listen to one another's hearts as we walk forward, dream, and trust Abba.

Yet, as I read Jesus' words of blessing to the needy, I was suddenly struck by a new, unfamiliar fear.  What if I get everything I need and want?  What if my heart's desires are met, or even exceeded?  What if I find myself no longer feeling lost or hungry?  Is it possible that in receiving these sweet gifts from Abba I will somehow trust the gifts and lose the blessedness?
Fortunately, I kept reading. (Luke 6:24-25)
"But it's trouble ahead if you think you have it made.  What you have is all you'll ever get.
And it's trouble ahead if you're satisfied with yourself.  Your self will not satisfy you for long.
And it's trouble ahead if you think life's all fun and games.  There's suffering to be met, and you're going to meet it."
Even if I trust the gifts and lose the blessedness, Abba promises to bring me back to a place of neediness.  It's in suffering that He draws me in, allows me to rest and find peace, points my hunger towards His satisfaction.  This use to frighten me, God promising that I'd suffer.  Now however, I find security in the promise that God won't let me run too far.  If need be, the Father will even watch His adopted son suffer, because He knows what I need and where to find it.  I am grateful for my neediness.

May Easter find our ravishing hunger filled and fed by the resurrection of our brother Jesus.

4.02.2012

Resurrection Gladness

Today is the Monday of Holy Week.  My mind races with so many thoughts as I contemplate the walk of Jesus towards the cross.  It seems unfortunate that a majority of these thoughts are coated with anxiety or worry, rather than a contented peace or anticipating joy.  Brennan writes this in regards to Ignatius of Loyola's prayer for 'intense gladness' throughout the fifty days of Easter season.
"If this prayer (for intense gladness) is heard, I shall have found a source of joy that is unassailable, for whatever happens, the Lord is always risen.  Contingencies cannot suffocate this deep joy.  Whether the day is stormy or fair, whether I am sick or healthy, whether I feel like a dirt ball or a butterfly, whatever comes cannot alter the fact that the Lord is risen."
 Thus, whether my job interview goes well or poorly tomorrow.
      The Lord is risen.
Regardless of my kids behaving or disrespecting.
      The Lord is risen.
When I act more like a sinner than a saint.
      The Lord is risen.
If my marriage is intimate or distant.
      The Lord is risen.
Friends may love me or leave me.
      The Lord is risen.
Self-control may win or wain.
      The Lord is risen.
These last eight weeks of Seminary may enable or exhaust me.
      The Lord is risen.
Whether I am dejected or comforted.
      The Lord is risen.
Whatever happens, the Lord is risen.
He is risen indeed.

My hope for a future, the redemption of my past, the sanctification of my present all hinge upon the resurrection of my brother Jesus. "His Easter victory means first his sovereignty over the living as well as the dead."  My brother Jesus is King over life and death, sin and righteousness, the present, past and future.

As I practice and contemplate self-control during this Easter season, I've noticed that the 'taking away' has illumined the many areas in which I severely lack self-control, which one could refer to as Spirit-filled living.(2 Tim. 1:7)  Thank God that I do not have to depend upon my flesh for righteous living, but upon the promise of my risen, interceding, and mediating brother Jesus.  Following his Resurrection he returned to his disciples, making this promise:
"And behold, I am sending the promise of my Father upon you.  But stay in the city until you are clothed with power from on high." Luke 24:49 
The Son is risen, He is risen indeed.