Abba's Goodness Far Succeeds My Badness

Recently I was speaking with a friend who was deep in shame.  So deep in fact that they could not even recognize their 'bad' behavior for what it was, but rather went about justifying it in a comically absurd way.  Three-quarters of the way into our conversation these words came flowing out of my mouth; "God's 'goodness' far outweighs mine and yours 'badness'."

Their response was, "That's outrageous."

And they're right.

Even in affirming that the goodness of Abba succeeds over any of my inherent depravity or chosen sin, I feel uncomfortable.  Honestly, this is an outlandish statement to make, and yet I consistently find this truth affirmed throughout Scripture.  My worst sin pails in comparison to the goodness of God.  The reality is, this is true because of who God is, rather than who I am.  It is not dependent upon my 'badness' not really being 'that bad', but it is consistently hinged upon God's constant and forever holiness.

Living out of this truth sets free my captivity from the prison of shame I so often lock myself in.

The Need of Strength to Know I Am Loved

I often find myself low, feeling unloved or unlovable.  Far too often I act out of this insecure and unstable place; in my marriage I may doubt the affection of my spouse, which leads to all kinds of reactions of anger, frustration or criticism.  With friends I may judge their actions towards (or not towards) me with harsh cynicsim.  In a crowded room or packed church service I might feel alone, disconnected from the hundreds of people around me, which leads to roaming halls in order to stay isolated from small talk (an obvious bid to avoid further rejection).  My response to these reactions is often to 'stop being angry', affirm rather than criticize, try to be more social, or a hundred other formulas for making the situation better.  However, I'm finally starting to see that regardless of what I do, the reality always comes back to that lonesome place wherein I feel unloved, or even unworthy of another's love.

I cannot talk myself into a place of feeling or knowing I am loved, and I can't just stop reacting out of feeling unloved.  The strength required is not feasible for me to muster up.

Paul prays for the church in Ephesus (those who already believe and belong to Christ) that they would have strength to know what is the breadth and length and height and depth of the love of Christ. 

It struck me that Paul did not chastise them for not knowing this love, or condemn them for their sinful reactions out of a fearful and unknowing place.  Rather he prayed that they would have and be granted the necessary strength for knowing this deep, deep love of Jesus. 

Daily I react out of a place that does not intimately know that I am loved.  Frequently I combat this sense of unloveableness with the breath prayer "I belong to Abba", and yet I do not have even the strength to accept this truth over the deception that I am unloveable.  Oh that you and I might be granted the strength to receive and live out of the immeasurable love of our brother Jesus!