A Vision for Our Parenting

Yesterday my wife and I were driving our overcrowded, odd smelling, and stained mini-van; trying to talk while our four kids sat in the back singing, dramatizing battles, and doing anything else that is not sleeping.  While avoiding the pot hole that is all of Jackson roads, we began talking about our shared goal for parenting our kids.  What do we want to focus on as we raise them?  What's our vision for our home?

There are plenty of great possibilities:  To raise emotionally, spiritually and mentally mature adults.  As a therapist I particularly like this one.  To prepare them with the needed skills and tools to grow into all that God would have them.  To help foster the giftedness God has put in them so that they can use it fully as adults.  On and on this list can go.  I doubt there is one 'right' answer for our vision of parenting our kids.

However, as we talked I remembered something I had read in a book for divorcee's entering into blended families.  It went something like this:

The goal of parenting is to teach our children how to live in Christian community.

I like this because it seems to summarize nearly all of my smaller goals I have already listed.  In order to be a healthy part of a community it is necessary to develop into an emotionally, spiritually and mentally mature adult.  Not only that, but it would require gaining the relational skills needed for interacting in meaningful relationships with others.

What would it be like for my family to function as a micro-community wherein they learned how to deal with relational hurts, confront and forgive others,  humbly receive instruction and care, and function within an economy of grace and truth rather than shame and hiding?

Paul speaks often on how we are to relate within the church, with the church being the organic body of Jesus in and among us.  Is it possible to teach my kids how to be a part of that body from a young age?

With this goal in mind, I can foster a home environment wherein there are 'many parts, but one body'.  I can help my kids experience what it is to be unified and different, gifted in diverse and complementary ways, dynamically connected for the good of those we love as well as the world at large.  This moves way past teaching my kids to obey and do right.  Hopefully, this helps my kids grow into 'Jesus with skin on' by experiencing Christ in and among us right at home.

The Morning Song of the Mockingbird

Here of late I've been caught at unawares by the singing of a Mockingbird.  This morning, for instance, as I was sitting in my office his song caught me.  When I hear it, for some reason it gives me hope.  Not so with other birds, their songs often sound harsh or unpleasant.

I sat for a while listening, trying to resonate with what it was that seemed joyful in his song.  At first, the Mockingbird's song sounds erratic; constantly changing between different trills, whistles and chirps.  This is what my morning felt like, anxious, frantic and unstable.  Usually I end here, jump up and try to start fixing whatever it is that anxiously nags at me.  Gladly, I didn't stop listening this morning, for as I kept listening his song begins sounding more like a melody, albeit a melody made up of constantly changing tunes, yet flowing peacefully all the same.  This is more like my life as a whole.

I think I connect to his song because he's singing the song of life.  Sometimes it's harsh and pointed like his chirps.  Whereas other times life seems more like his trills, full of energy and excitement.  Still at other times life is more like a whistle, going up before coming quickly back down.  Always changing, rarely staying the same.  We may go to bed Friday night full of anticipation and hope of a restful Saturday to find that upon awakening one of the kid's has strep throat, the car won't start, and the clouds of depression have begun to move in.  I can't control what tomorrow brings - hell, I can't even prepare for it well.

Hearing the Mockingbird's song reminds me that I don't have to control or manage life, for when I do I am steeped in a self-willed motivation that usually leads to dishonesty with my self and others, and ultimately ends in self-pity or blame.  Rather, his song reminds me that I can resound with assurance through it all; in the low painful places, the mundane day-to-day, and those brief moments of intense joy and pleasure.  I can sit and be still, assured that One greater than me is holding it together, and not only this, but it is a part of His great pleasure to work things for my enduring good.

Today I seek to live in Abba's will,  receiving the little gifts He gives me throughout the day.  When anxiety stirs up and threatens to unleash threatening clouds of dread, I'll pause and ask God to reset me from living in my self-seeking motivations, self-pity and dishonesty.  I'll intentionally ask him to set me in His will of peace and promise.

The Loss of Avoiding Pain

In his interview with Conan O'Brien (seen here), Louis CK gets it.  If you've heard his comedy before you realize he's gone through the hells of divorce, failure, and religion for a lot of years.  His comedic rant against cell phones tapped into a truth our culture loves to avoid.

'I look around and pretty much 100% of people driving are texting.  And their killing --everybody's murdering each other with their cars.  But people are willing to risk taking a life and ruining their own, because they don't want to be alone for a second.'

He's spot-on.  This sense of deep loneliness, like a burr in our soul, is what we avoid like a plague.  Smart phones have made this easier and instant, but consider for a minute the thousand different ways we escape pain: we plug away at jobs for 50+ hours a week while remaining disconnected from our kids and spouses, pornography is still a multi-billion dollar industry, teenage kids (and their parents alike) are numbed by a cocktail of mood altering drugs, our religions teach us to think more than feel, our country is on a constant move towards further obesity as we eat our feelings away, and on and on and on.

Louis goes on to speak about the worst part of constantly distracting ourselves from pain.

'You never feel completely sad or completely happy.  You just feel kind of satisfied with your product.' 

I think this interview struck such a chord with me because of an experience, similar to the one Louis mentions, which I had earlier this week.  One morning I woke up with an acutely nagging sense that it's not okay, that life is severely doomed.  The amount of pain shared with clients I've grown to love, the failures of mentors, questions unanswerable, and the mess I've made in my past decade of marriage laid on me thick.  My first instinct was to escape this - numb it.  By God's grace I didn't, and instead I sat in it, and I wept.  The lonely pain I felt pushed me to call a fatherly friend whom I trust and love.  Had I played on my phone, worked on something, or done one of a thousand easy distractions, I would have missed out on such a gift.  My pain gave me an opportunity to love and be loved.  My sadness opened me up to a clear awareness of my needs, and readied my heart to receive care from a friend.

My challenge is this: don't waste your pain.  Louis puts it pointedly when he says that sadness is a gift.  Sit it in, receive it.  When we allow ourselves to feel deeply, we allow ourselves to drink deeply from life.

If you need a jumpstart to feel, here's the Springsteen song Louis mentioned in his interview.

When Circumstances Won't Change

Typically when I hit a crisis in life I carry a belief that 'life will get better once it's over'.  The problem comes when the crisis/crises don't seem to end.  Finances won't shore up, relationships disintegrate, children fight, addictions rear their head, and God seems to be out to lunch.

A friend and mentor reminded me yesterday that it's in these times that we have the choice between resentment and gratitude.  For most of my years I've thought this type of talk to be empty and callous at best, but I trust this friend.  Another friend and mentor sat with me not too long ago and echoed my prayers of anger and frustration with God.  His response to my cries shocked me at first, but led me to a freedom of dialogue with Abba.  Later I heard more of his story, the pains of long addiction and ruined relationships.  His response to his troubles knocked my legs out from under me.  He was grateful, really and deeply thankful for his pains because they drew him into an abiding place with God that once seemed impossible and too far removed.

I'm learning, slow and steady, that in the times that I hit a wall of pain, frustration or insanity I can be grateful, and not just with empty verbal platitudes.

-I can be glad for my addiction because it forces me to reckon with my inability to control life and turn towards the guiding care I can receive from Abba.
-I can be grateful for my unstable finances as they teach me to receive what I am given as all coming from a watchful and gracious God.
-I can be thankful for my rocky, ruined and disintegrating relationships as they draw me, through my loneliness, into a deeper abiding with a God who calls me His beloved.

I'm not saying this is easy.  In fact, I'm saying that just a few minutes before I started typing I was overcome with resentment, anger and distrust.  My mind constantly pulls me in this direction; but today I choose to be grateful.  In the midst of my ship seeming to be capsized and flooded, I'm glad for my Captain and my crew-mates.

When this seems impossible, that the odds are stacked too highly against you, you're not alone.  The Serenity Prayer has long been used to help re-calibrate our souls towards abiding gratitude.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can & wisdom to know the difference: living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time: accepting hardship as a pathway to peace: taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it: trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will: so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen."                     Reinhold Niebuhr 

This intentional abiding in God, despite external circumstances, is what allowed Paul to speak so boldly about gratitude in the face of suffering.  

 "Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse...Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. I’m glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess...Actually, I don’t have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am." Philippians 4:8-14 (The Message)

Ask yourself, am I choosing gratitude or resentment, peace or despair, rest or anxiety, a glad heart or a downcast spirit?  Abide in the One who calls you His beloved.

Suffering Recalibrates the Heart

Imagine if your GPS was calibrated to have North as East.  Regardless of where you travel, be it a short trip at ease or a long difficult journey, you would find yourself struggling to figure out where you are and how to get where you want to go.

Essentially, this is what sin does in a man; it calibrates the heart so that self is the new center. This leaves us anxious, frustrated, and confused as we try to journey through life.  Big questions like, 'What should my vocation be?', 'How do I parent my kid(s)?', or 'Who should I date/marry?', leave us absolutely dumbfounded.  Why am I surprised by this?  Of course I can't figure it out; my internal map is off-kilter.  Mark records Jesus as saying that it's from within, from our hearts, that sin comes. (Mark 7:20-22) My map of history, current events and the future is weighed far too heavily with me as the center.  Living like this is like finding your way through the Swiss Alps when you've been given a map of the Appalachian Trail.  The territory looks somewhat familiar, but there's no way to make heads or tails of it.

Suffering

This is where suffering comes in.  It seems that throughout Scripture God uses suffering to recalibrate the heart (See Romans 5:1-11), to bring it from being calibrated by me to the true north of God.  Now, when life's pain hits us we're given opportunities to allow God to shift our center, or (as I most often do) to try and out-chess match God into ending the suffering so that I can keep my self as due north. (See Job 15:11-13) This never ends well.  In the midst of pain my heart constantly tries to wrestle from Him control and truth, until I eventually tire out and fall into Him.

I know that I hate this, yet I need and even long for it.  My heart is so off-kilter that it continues to lead me into chasms, cliffs, and dry valleys.  Suffering is meant to redirect us from these possibilities of death.  John Eldredge put it this way, through suffering God often 'keeps us from our heavens, in order to save us from hell.'  Throughout my pain God is beckoning me to let him shape my heart from self-centeredness into a heart that is softened with the gospel as its center.  This is the life to the fullest Jesus speaks of. (See John 10:10)

Trustworthiness

So why don't we just give in and stop fighting tooth and nail against this giving of rich, full life?  For me, it's that I don't trust Abba.  Too much of my deluded thinking believes that He's out to get me as some sort of sadistic self-promoting dictator.  In comes suffering again.  Every experience I've had when life seemed to sucker-punch me, be it with marital strife, negative finances, news of doom, or anything that led to a depressed and despairing heart; He's shown up.  If trust comes by way of repeated experiences of trustworthiness, then it seems that God is slowly alluring me into a safe trust of Him by consistently showing up when I go to throw in the towel.  How kind.  He doesn't demand my trust all up-front, or wait until I've managed to convince myself that He is trustworthy.  Nope.  Abba seeks me out, finds me in a hole like a sheep who wandered off and found himself stuck, and then beckons me let Him help me out, place me on his shoulders and carry me home (See Luke 15).

As you find yourself in the midst of suffering, be it small-scale or grand, pay attention to your own heart.  How is it trying to persuade you?  Then listen to Abba as he calls you into deeper intimate trust of Him.  

'For who is God, but the Lord?  And who is a rock, except our God?                           This God is my strong refuge and has made my way blameless.                             He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights.'              2 Samuel 22:32-34 

If You Make Your Kid Your Idol, They Learn to Worship Their Self

What's the difference between Christian and Non-Christian parenting in 21st century America?  Right, not much.  Possibly a few different activities, a dose of morality and rules, and maybe different schooling.  The reality seems to be that Christians parent their kids functionally in the same way as non-Christians in that parenting looks like worship.  As I work with teens, parents and kids- and try to figure out how to raise my own four kids- I become acutely aware of how easy, promoted and normal it is to parent children as if they are the idols for our worship.

What I mean is this, our world and their world revolves around them, they are the epicenter.  This takes many forms, some less obvious than others, involving many activities which are not inherently 'bad' and quite possibly 'good'.  Here's an example of one area it shows up, not the worst or one which is 'immoral', but quite normal.  Think for a minute about the amount of time parents now spend travelling, watching and fundraising for their child's sport (not to mention the finances spent).  I'm not against sports, in fact my favorite past time has become playing baseball with my son.  But if a child sees that their parents give up most of their free (and non-free) time following them around watching them perform at a sport, giving up their resources (including time for work, self-care, marriage, home life, etc) for the sake of them being able to achieve and win at a sport, they inherently pick up the message that life is all about them regardless of the cost to others.  Now after 18-24 years of this they move out on their own, get a job, start a family, go to church, etc. all with the ingrained notion that 'life is about me, regardless of the cost to others'.  It's no wonder that marriages end so soon after starting, or the amount of addiction in young adults.  They have no idea how to handle a life that is not about them or the pain and loss that necessarily comes from loving others.  They only know how to function as the epicenter, and when they are not they only learn how to escape the pain.

Honestly, I think this might even be more ingrained in kids raised in the 'focus on the family' generation.  Not only have they learned that their parents are all about them, but that God revolves around them as well.

The question then is what do you do.  How are Christian parents set-apart, raising their kids to be emotionally and spiritually healthy Christ-followers.  Below are a few suggestions (all of which I struggle with consistently).

Make your marriage more important than your children.
'Whoa, hold on there.  Seriously?  My marriage is more important than my kids?' you might be saying.  How better for a child to learn what Christ's love for the church looks like than when they see their parents participating in an other-centered, serving, giving, love relationship between their parents.  Here are some practical ideas: go to marriage therapy (even if it means you miss their game or have to give up purchasing something they want).  Go on a retreat without the kids.  Put them to bed early for the purpose of spending time together (and tell them that).  Let them see you show physical affection, at least as much as you show to your kids.  A friend also once mentioned that every night his dad would ask, "Son, do you know I love you? Son, do you know I love your mom?"
It's often been said that a parents greatest gift to their children is a healthy marriage.  Living and growing in a safe, stable marriage teaches a kid how to attach to others, be safe and grounded in the right things, and have a respect for themselves when they start dating.

Say no.
Children have a very strong built-in 'no muscle', which is unfortunately directed towards unhealthy self-centeredness.  Let them deal with hearing no, so that they might learn to use it themselves in a healthy way.  Any time a parent folds to a child's unnecessary demands, the child's epicenter of self is reinforced, brick by brick.  If you have a hard time distinguishing when it's appropriate and loving to say no, check out Cloud and Townsend's book Boundaries with Kids.

Follow Jesus.
If you follow him he will necessarily challenge and push against your own self-worship, which makes it much easier to not worship your kids.  Remember, Jesus absolutely loved kids, disrupting an entire cultures view of them.  (See Matthew 10:12-14; 18:14-16; 19:12-14)  Yet he also called parents to place following him before their kids in Luke 14:25-27.  For more in depth teaching on this really hard passage check out Mark Driscoll's article here.  As a child watches their parents follow Jesus their attention naturally moves from a self-centered to a Gospel-centered focus.

Teach them to grieve.
Rather than teaching them how to get over their pain, move on and put on a happy face, teach them how to deal with loss.  A child who grows into a self-focused adult and who does not know how to handle loss, failure or pain will inevitably turn to addiction.  Teach your child to journal for an understanding of self, communicate and reveal to others what's going on in their heart, cry, lament, and be angry.  If you're like me, you're starting at a deficit when teaching your child this.  Get help.  Find a good process-oriented therapist, get in a group, and read this book by Pete Scazzero called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality.

Eat together.
This is one of the simplest, hardest things to do as a family.  We're busy, stressed and pulled a thousand ways.  Make some time together each week around the dinner table and make it mandatory.  Even if, especially if, your kid has to give up a self-want.  So much good conversation, growth together and other-centeredness happens around the dinner table.  Think about it; they have to learn to wait on others before they begin eating themselves, be quiet enough to hear others speak, face others rather than inanimate self-absorbing objects, and they get to see practical examples of how parents work through issues, make decisions, converse about their day, laugh, cry and pray together.

Pray.
Pray with them, for them, and for their heart's to change.  Hear what God says he'll do with our hearts in Ezekiel 36:25-27 (The Message)

"Here's what I'm going to do...I'll pour pure water over you and scrub you clean.  I'll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you.  I'll remove the stone heart from your body and replace it with a heart that's God-willed, not self-willed.  I'll put my Spirit in you and make it possible for you to do what I tell you and live by my comands...You'll be my people! I'll be your God!"

Heart change doesn't happen apart from God's internal work.  No amount of bible study, VBS, family worship, catechism memorization, or church attendance can have this affect apart from Abba's working in your kid.

By not worshiping your child you teach them how to love and be loved, need and give, deal with their emotions, say no to the right things, and follow Jesus.  They may get angry, throw fits and whine now, but they'll love you for it later (as will their spouse and your grandchildren!).

Spiritual Health is not Emotional Lobotomy

There seems to be a hidden notion in much of Christianity that holds up the idea that the truly spiritual has no need for emotion, or at the least has their emotions under control.  Hence the title of this blog.  For myself, I spent so many years essentially trying to lobotomize my spiritual life (rid it of emotion) that I nearly disassociated from my self.  That is until my poor emotional health pointed out the lack of my spiritual life.  You can't have one without the other.  In fact, God so dynamically created us that our spiritual, emotional, social, physical and mental health are all intertwined.

It's a sad state that so many Christians believe their emotional self is detrimental to, or even harmful of, their spiritual self.  

In Isaiah 61, which is where Jesus read from at the outset of his ministry in Luke 4 (think: vision statement), the Messiah is said to be the one anointed by God to bind up the brokenhearted.  Let that marinate for a minute.  To heal the heartbroken.  Jesus did not say that he came to 'do away with heartbreak' or 'replace one's emotional state with a more rational self.'  Nope.  To heal.  This means to make your emotional self even more whole than it is now.  

Now apply this mission to his encounters with people throughout the Gospels:

-The Samaritan woman, a woman deep in shame, was forgiven.  This forgiveness came through a man sitting and speaking to her heart in the middle of a hot day.  A man who didn't care to take on the shame encountered for sitting with and talking to, for all practical reasons, a whore.  Think of the relief she had from his strong and gentle presence as he spoke with respectful honesty. (John 4:1-45)

-Bartimaeus, a blind beggar rebuked when he asked for mercy (literally told to shut up so as not to disturb everyone else) was told to take heart because Jesus was calling him.  His sight was healed, and possibly for the first time in a long time this beggar, this man who sat on the same side of the road every day asking others to give, was asked by the God-Man what it is that he desires. (Mark 10:46-52)

-A woman who had internal bleeding for over a decade, of which the physical trauma alone would scare a person's psyche, but who was additionally told she was unclean and thus not allowed to worship or even be touched; she was freed from the internal wound as well as the shame, doubts and questions she had about her worth when Jesus saw her and called her to take heart. (Matt. 9:20-22)

-Read the entire account of Lazarus' death.  Notice how Jesus enters into the sisters' anger, fear, mourning, grief and confusion.  He doesn't stay stoic.  He doesn't tell them to stop being angry, to get it together, to put on a happy face.  He's moved, troubled even.  He could  have left Lazarus for the resurrection Martha knew was coming, but he didn't.  At great cost to himself (his death is plotted on account of this act, which he must have been fully aware of)  he wept with hurting sisters and loudly calls out his friend from the dead. (John 11:1-44)

There's plenty more.  This is only four of the thirty to forty miracles recorded in Scripture.  Read these passages and get a feel for the man who claimed he came anointed by God to heal the heartbroken.  

My challenge is this.  Please stop thinking Jesus doesn't care about anything but your spiritual state, and by that I mean those things Christian's ought to be doing.  Notice that he more than just takes a care about your emotional self.  He seeks you out.  He literally pursues the healing of your heart, those emotional wounds you've carried on your own which no one knows of because you think you can't speak of them.  Allow Jesus in when you're ready.  Allow him into your anger, your loneliness, your disappointment.  He is the great healer after all, not just the great forgiver.  

Believable

I've been reading through John Eldredge's 'Beautiful Outlaw', digging deep into the rich personality of Jesus.  Today I've been further exposed to Jesus as one who is believable.  You see it over and over throughout the New Testament, folks taking him at his word.  Not so in my life.  I think I'm more often than not trying to convince myself as to how or why he might not be believable this time around.

A brief look at the man in John 4:43-54 displays this character of Jesus.  Basically, a powerful boss-man who lived 20-30 miles East of where Jesus was had a son who was ill, dying in fact.  Most likely he'd already been treated by whatever means that were necessary.  So this guy did the last thing he could do, race to catch up with the man people were saying was a miracle worker, healer, prophet.  He reaches him, explains his predicament and implores Jesus to come back to his home so that he could heal his boy.

Imagine this desperation.

Instead of racing back East, Jesus simply tells the man that his son is healed and that he can start making his way back home.  This is the point of the story in which the aspect of believable jumped out at me.  The dad did so, he actually heard Jesus' words and acted on them.  I would've sought out a second, third, and fifth opinion from neighboring doctors.  Yet this dad just turned around and walked home.  Why?  Better yet, how?  How could a dad, with a dying son be appeased by such an answer.

Here's reasons which don't give an adequate answer:
-He wasn't more spiritual than me.  In fact, I'm not sure he's ever seen a miracle of Jesus first-hand, though he'd probably been given plenty of second-hand accounts. Jesus didn't commend his faith, praise his belief or any of that.
-He wasn't more naive than me.  A dad is a dad regardless of the century.  He wants his sons life.  He was also a powerful man, necessitating at least moderate intelligence and know how.
-He wasn't less skeptical of religion than me.  I'd venture to say he had just as many differing religions, cults, and self-proclaimed prophets in his ear as I have in mine.

Here's the only reason why he could have taken such a simple answer and turned homeward.

Jesus is believable.

The God-man speaks truth in such an unflinchingly honest way, solely out of his deep integrity of character, that when you heard him, you simply believed him.  I think this is what frustrated those who opposed him to such a high degree, they absolutely did not want to believe him, but couldn't resist his believability.

My takeaway is this.  I can believe him because he's believable.  Not because my faith is great, or my reason is satisfied, or my emotions are stoked.  I can only believe him because he's believable.

Much of my thoughts on this passage of Scripture were enhanced by Elbert McGowan, who preached today at Redeemer Church in Jackson, MS.

When God Thwarts Our Plans

To be clear, much of what I'm about to say I'm not a fan of; though the truth of it allows me to hope through many hardships.

My adulthood has been plagued with the statement 'If ____, then I'll be okay.'  Constantly I've striven to do right and well, to which God consistently seems to let me sit in my frustrations and failures.  Why is this?  Is it that God is sadistic, or impotent?  What I've seen from Scripture and the journeys of others is that God's up to something that I just can't see or often make sense of.

My first experience with ministry ended after I gave it all I had.  As this really good work slipped out of my grasping hands, it seemed to me that God just stood by and let it peter out.  Like a fire turning cold and dark, regardless of how hard I fanned the flame of ministry (through fundraisers, prayer, small groups, large groups, camps, meetings...you name it), it seemed determined to smolder and die.

Relationships often seems to consist of this same struggle.  I remember believing in 6th grade that if only I had a girlfriend, then everything would be okay and right in my world.  Then I got a girlfriend, now I just needed her to not break up with me...or be like this or that...or if I just get married...or can just get along and not fight...and on and on.  It's always been 'if just ____, then I'll be okay.'

So what's the point? It seems that all my toil and effort seems to be for naught; that every time I take a step towards gaining whatever it is that will help me be okay (finances, relationships, career, etc.), God seems to step in and thwart my plan.  So what's He after?  I think it's simply this, in the words of John Eldredge:

"God promises every man futility and failure; he guarantees every woman relational heartache and loneliness.  We spend most of our waking hours attempting to end-run the curse...God must take away the heaven we create, or it will become our hell"

Like Israel in the desert, Abba knows my heart, that if I ever received the relationship with a woman I had craved since Jr. High, I would abandon the life-giving God to worship connection with a woman.  Had Israel left slavery in Egypt and walked untouched into this beautiful land with its bountiful fruit, their hearts would have quickly deserted their Savior and would have began serving the dead idol of food that comes and goes with the temper of the seasons.  I have to believe that had I succeeded in ministry my eyes would have turned from the desperate need and intimacy with God I have experienced in the years of failure and frustration since, and instead I would have seen the works of my labors and declared that I don't need God nearly as much as He needs me.  I wonder if this is similar to why Paul could never quite seem to get to Rome, his destination from the outset of ministering to the Gentiles.

What a fool I've been.  All this time I've thought God was harassing me, teasing me with success only to snatch it away at the last minute, He's actually been saving me from creating my own life-draining hell.  Often the pain, frustration and failure we endure can't see it's full purpose for years, or generations, or even millenia as in Israel's case.

Be encouraged.  Your pain, frustration and failure are not all for naught.  Enduring through the plagues of hardship may seem to come with a promise of futility, but they also hold the promise of drawing us into a deeper dependency and intimacy with Abba.  We can hope for the revelation of Christ right now through the midst of trouble (1 Pet. 1:13).  He thwarts our plans to gain satisfaction in order to grant us what we so deeply desire; water that always satisfies, bread that doesn't perish, life to the limit.

The Dangers of Prosperity (how not to forget)

When I went to college the thought that prosperity was a pitfall began gnawing at my mind, digging deep into my heart.  This ideal was supported emphatically by the health and wealth falsities I saw spewed on the TV, as well as a deeply personal wound from what I perceived to be the worship of comfort and ease.  I believe I also mistook Scriptures call to care for the poor to mean that the financially hurting were especially loved by God.  Sadly, my twisted legalism saw poverty as another avenue to gain Abba's love and affection for me. This led to a lifestyle which sought out ways to deny myself the promises of prosperity, at least so far as I knew them.  Don't get me wrong, I still think there's a place for this financially dry time in my life.  Over the last decade my wife and I have walked through many seasons of having no idea how our basic bills would be met, where we would find work, or how we would take care of our kids in the simplest of ways.  During this time we have come to know and enjoy God as provider and sustainer, the great giver to those who ask.  We've learned how to be in need, how to ask, and how to wait patiently.  We've learned of his faithfulness, kindness, and strength.

'When I fed them, they were satisfied, when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me.' Hosea 13:6

We're beginning to walk into this new season of life, which seems to entail consistent provision to some degree, what some may even call prosperity.  My heart quakes.  My mind constantly tells me, 'if you just have/gain _______, then ______'.  The threat of forgetting God seems now ever present.  Like a weened child I begin to think I can provide for myself, no longer do I need sustenance directly from Abba.  I begin to forget.  I have been able to grow in trust and faith of God while I was in need, but will I remember him in plenty?  This thought nags at me.  In an effort to come up with a better option than 'just find ways to suffer and stay poor', I began putting together this incomplete list to help me remain in the fight of growing in trust and ever present knowledge of my need for abiding in Abba.

Remember.  God names man 'zakar', which translates as 'the remembering one'.  It's no accident that Israel is consistently told to stop, build an altar so that they can remember where God brought them from, so that they might trust where He is taking them. 

Practically, we can remember/not forget in several ways:

1. Write.  Write out your story.  Don't merely report it, but investigate it, dig in to the deep details, dark places of fear and hurt, and moments of clarity. This past weekend before going on a retreat I spent time reading an old journal and remembering where God had me two years ago.  I could not have had such deep awareness of Him in my life now, had I not written it down then.
2. Speak.  Spend time with fellow travelers putting your story to voice.  One of the greatest moments of connection with my wife was when we went away on a retreat and spent the first night sitting by a fire, remembering our past and connecting to it as we talked.  This brought not only joy and sorrow, but great awakening to our spirits.  We walked away with a deep knowledge of God's constant awareness of and provision for us.
3. Read.  Read Scripture as the great narrative of Abba setting the captives free from enslavement and death.  Start with Isaiah 61, Christ's 'mission statement' that he read with authority in the synagogue (Luke 4).  As you read, remember that this is not just the story of a small lost and foolish tribe in north Africa and the middle East, but this is the great redemptive near-tragedy of humanity.
4. Listen.  Listen to others tell their stories.  Nothing seems to bring greater clarity to my own journey than hearing others wrestle through theirs.  Seeing how God shows up in a hurting friends life opens my eyes to see Him intruding in my own. 
5. Memento.  Find some physical memorial that as you see, hold, touch and smell you will be reminded of a particular time in which God provided.  In my office I have several pieces of rock, wood, metal and cloth that instantly trigger memories of truth and moments of clarity.
   
   "When the Lord your God brings you into the land he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to give you—a land with large, flourishing cities you did not build, houses filled with all kinds of good things you did not provide, wells you did not dig, and vineyards and olive groves you did not plant—then when you eat and are satisfied, be careful that you do not forget the Lord, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery." Deut. 6:10-12

Don't forget how you were rescued and set free.  Keep it constantly present in the midst of prosperity, remembering that the manna only comes by the hand of God.  The deep desire for rest and peace is meant to prick your heart into deeper need and abiding in God, rather than satisfaction in those things which pass and fail you.

Arise My Son

This poem I wrote on the deck of Ebeneezer place throughout a Saturday of listening to men's tell their stories of great trial and heartbreak, redemption and healing.  These are the words I heard from my Abba as I meditated on Song of Solomon, chapter 2.

Arise My Son

Arise my son, my beautiful boy,

In your presence do I long enjoy.

For the day breaks and the morn is new,

my love sets now like morning dew.

Arise my son, my loveliest one,

your voice to my ears is next to none.

Lets run through the woods and to the ponds,

Sit long together til heart responds.

Arise my son, my courageous man,

from your quiet strength you need not ran.

I made you strong and your heart is brave,

So stand and fight, no longer a slave.

Arise my son, my wounded babe,

your heart long hidden, let light today.

Long trodden and worn, abused and torn,

your griefs long denied, time now to mourn.

Arise my son, my beloved son,

In you I delight and now adorn.

Come away with me, give me your trust.

I will lead you right, we're in no rush.

Arise my love.

Brennan Manning, 4.34 - 4.13

I awoke this morning to find that Brennan Manning had died yesterday.  It's hard to put into words the tears and grief this pierces me with.  I want to share his impact on me over the years, how his words about a loving Abba have shaped me.  It's really wild how a man whom I've never met, whose voice I have barely heard, has been such a big brother to me, leading me along this ragamuffin road towards home.

Here are just a few ways he has led me, unedited, as well as a poem I began yesterday before I learned of his death, and which I finished upon hearing about his passing.

• As Brennan taught me of Abba he taught me how to love and be loved, how to father my children with a fierce longing for their hearts to be cherished.
• As he taught me of God as a foolish lover, he taught me how to pursue my wife through the thickest of storms, when it only makes sense to give up, but instead of doing what makes sense to throw caution to the wind and love with a furious kind of love.
• As he taught me of Jesus as my big brother, I learned how to trust through the darkest of fears, through depression, through an anxious heart and broken mind, because my big brother's got my back and will stick up for me regardless of what the enemy throws.  
• As he taught me of myself as a Ragamuffin, he taught me of my need which is deeper than anything I can fill, which led to me learning how to receive.  
• As he taught me of Jesus as healer, he showed me a way of life that loved the impoverished, whether they be the beggar without a dime, the alcoholic in denial, or the CEO who can't shake feeling inadequate.
• As he taught me that I'm loved as I am, not as I should be, my legalistic heart was set free and by living out of that I am able to know myself first and primarily as Abba's beloved son.

My life and heart were forever, eternally changed when I read 'The Ragamuffin Gospel' my sophomore year of college.  I was ready to quit, tired of the facade of christianity.  Yet, as a spiritual father and guide does, he gently and firmly called out my bullshit, and enticed me onward towards being received by the Great Lover.  At this point in my life I really cannot think of a single area which has not been touched by his pen.  My heart is so grieved at the loss of my hero.  After a decade of hearing Brennan's voice, I can gladly say with him 'I belong to Abba'.

Azaleas 

Dark pink buds so softly forming,

catching light upon their brow.

Grouped together no longer lonely,

blanketed red appearing now.

Out from stems so thin and brittle,

life from leaves of vibrant green.

Blossoms come for time then whither,

a losing battle it would seem.

For a time they grace with beauty,

short lived life and purpose ends.

Strong with form and hues so softly,

til a wind strikes - they've no defence.

Petals fall as floating feathers,

forming beds so dark and lone.

All they leave are stems dark redder,

now to earth they find new home.

Why this life so short and final -

is just to spread pollen abroad?

But God the artist painting brightly,

enticing creatures to be awed.

Out of kindness does He grace us,

with such beauties small and bright.

That our eyes would in remembrance,

view lovers heart with this new sight.

Brennan, beauty, he softly beckoned,

'Arise my love, my beautiful one.

Come away from darkness, desperate

Come to me, sing beautiful song.'

Abba's child once and forever,

taught me of my Lovers aim.

He spoke so softly of my Abba,

turned my heart towards this rich gain.

My heart indebted, filled and grateful,

as my big brother He calls home.

For Brennan's beauty am I thankful,

To grieving heart I beg You come.

Fatherless Made Sons and Daughters

This Easter I've been captured by the notion that in order for me to call God my Father, Christ had to become Fatherless.  Meaning that in his going to the cross and the grave, receiving what was due to me, His Father necessarily had to forsake Him.  Thus, the Son became fatherless in order that the fatherless might become sons/daughters.  This is a poem I wrote trying to get at this idea.

Abbas only true son
took upon himself this flesh.
Gave up his rights as God
knowing soon he'd perish.

To do his father's will,
Christ's only and true intent.
Suffering and unknown,
his life would soon be spent.

Fatherless and cut-off,
our spirits in atrophy.
Wandering like lost sheep,
creation a tragedy.

To make us sons and daughters,
his purpose from the start.
The son atones for sin,
through blood did he impart.

Fatherless became sons,
when Son forsaken died.
Eternal bond fragmented,
through him we now abide.

Three days down in the earth,
in Sheol did he spend.
Death now victored over,
at the kings right hand again.

Creation now restored,
no longer kept apart.
Sins once long reign is over,
perfect life he did impart.

 

 

 

 

 

Disciples not Ideologues

I was listening to a talk about how the Gospel affects discipleship, in which the speaker states that Jesus is both the content and context of the Gospel and calls us to actively trust him in our obedient following.  At its core, discipleship seems to entail being a active participant in being remade into the likeness of Jesus.  The implications of this are vast, yet two things stand out to me at this time.
The first is that discipleship is an active trusting participation, rather than an ideology.  Throughout my time in seminary I was consistently frustrated and convicted of the notion that in our learning we became more apt Christians, when the reality is/was that our ideas were so separate from our actions.  In studying the gnostics of Jesus' time, I realized how very alike we were.  Gnosticism is basically the idea that in attaining some knowledge or idea, I am better able to be justified or sanctified.  None of my classmates would ever say that in having knowledge we were justified, after all it is by faith alone in Christ alone.  Yet in the way we lived, thought and related to others, it was very evident that we believed in our core that by having this 'Reformed' knowledge of Scripture, we had true faith and we were in a sense more righteous than those whose ideas of Scripture differed.  We were theologically Reformed, but practically gnostics. 
This revelation is fueled by the second implication of discipleship, which is that for me to follow Jesus means I am to become like Jesus.  To really, actually live like Jesus.  To be called a friend of sinners, and spurned by the religious.  To freely give words of care to sexual deviants, and at the same time freely give words of anger to those who are religiously self-righteous.  In short, to spur and aggravate the gnostics, be they Pharisee or Reformed, and welcome in as brothers and sisters those broken people foolish and ignorant, spurred and outcast, whores and thieves, sex addicts and alcoholics.    Don't get me wrong, addicts and fools just as often seek their self-righteous salvation in prosperity preaching, wealth, sex and alcohol as the seminary trained religious leaders seek theirs in books and ideas.  The one thing it seems that Jesus is welcoming towards is a broken, empty, spent and contrite spirit.  The adulterous woman who can't even look him in the eye,  the Roman general whose daughter is dying, or the poor and ignorant fisherman who hasn't been able to provide for his family through his trade. 
Discipleship is living out of this broken flesh, needy and dependently trusting that Jesus has to provide both salvation and sanctification, that there is no plan B.  He's it, and if he doesn't show up then I'm doomed.  My effort and brains won't out-perform my heart which is bent on self-righteous rebellion. 
The idea that I can sit in my office and love the sex addict who can't stop themselves, not because I am loving in nature, but because I am loved by Jesus who has full and deep knowledge of me, is at the same time terrifying and liberating.  This speaks against all my moral legalism which wants to shout at the sinner to stop their behavior. 
I fear my classmates and professors reading this (luckily most of them have already written me off as wayward in my thinking), but I am so tired of pretending that because I read the church fathers, know a dead language, or have studied the nuances of Scripture that I am somehow more spiritually prepared and apt to minister to others.  I'm not.  I'm often lost and bewildered by where Jesus is taking me, and it literally scares the hell out of me to be his disciple. 

The Unseen Moved into Plain Sight

Some of us are participating in this season of Lent, preparing ourselves for celebrating Christ’s resurrection, as well as the promise of ours in turn.  Thus, I thought it would be appropriate to spend a few minutes pondering him, his character, his work, and the implications of who he is on us.

"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created,in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all thingshold together. And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross." Colossians 1:15-20

He made the unseen/invisible visible, in plain sight.  The Creator took on the form of His creation.  The ruler of all dominions became an impoverished, dependent child.  He who was before all things, separate from time, put himself into creation at an exact moment.  He who was spiritual became permanently physical.  The preeminent became a servant.  The fullness of God dwelt in a man, so that God could be fully known.  All this for the purpose of reconciling all things to himself, giving rest and peace, through his journey to death and resurrection. 

How this shapes his followers is put well by Diane Langberg in her book for therapists working with those who suffered abuse.  She says it this way:

"All that we do as those who name the name of Christ is to be both incarnational and redemptive.  Our words are to communicate his truth.  Our person is to reflect his person.  Our lives are to be a living, breathing explanation of his character. Those who sit with us in our office should have a better understanding of who God is because we have, through our obedience to him and love for him, touched them with the flavor of his presence."

May we be a taste of the fullness of God to those around us.

Truly Loved, Truly Known (a poem)

Loved but obscurely known,

at ease can long endure.

Superficial at best,

intimately unsure.

Unloved but truly known, 

the deepest of our fear.

When pierced by rejection,

Short days become long years.

Unloved and hardly known,

lives of men are spent lost.  

Hurts beget solitude,

hearts hidden deep in frost.

True love and deeply known,

for heart doth yearn and long.

Freed from masking pretense,

humbled and rebuilt strong.

Loving and yet unknown,

Abba found His lost race.

This action all His own,

revealed Himself in grace.

Inspired by Tim Keller's book 'The Meaning of Marriage'.  

"To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial.  To be known and not loved is our greatest fear.  But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.  It is what we need more than anything.  It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty live can throw at us."

A Dream about Killing Sin, Part 2

After writing my original post, I realized that the problem with saying we must 'be killing sin', is that it more often than not carries the idea of doing so in order to find acceptance with God. Rather, it should be that because we find acceptance with God, we can go on in killing sin. John Piper states that 'The only sin we can defeat is a forgiven sin' when he talks about how to go about it.  It seems that defeating sin can only come when we live out of a place of security in Abba.  If it's coming out of any other place it is most likely in order to achieve or receive something, i.e. self-righteousness.

So the question for me lies not in the 'how to' of combating some certain sin.  In my opinion, there has been an inordinate amount of Christian material written towards this end.  The question then, for me, is how do I find security before God.  This took me back to a quote I recently read by Tim Keller as he talked about marriage.

"To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us." 

It's my understanding that this security comes when we are fully known and truly loved.  This takes place only when we reveal the deep recesses of our minds, hearts and souls.  The fear he speaks of, however, is no small thing; that we would be fully known and not loved often paralyzes us from revealing much of anything to anyone.

The benefits of revealing our self to Abba are exponentially greater than our perceived risks.  That we could live without pretense, no longer would I feel the need to wear a mask around others.  What a relief!  I would no longer have to fake it.  I would be humbled by my complete and utter dependence upon His grace, rather than on my ability or performance.  I could live.  I could have life to the fullest, no longer hindered by my deep shame and sin.

John Donne seems to be wrestling with this in his poem 'A Hymn to God the Father'.

WILT Thou forgive that sin where I begun,
Which was my sin, though it were done before?
Wilt Thou forgive that sin through which I run,
And do run still, though still I do deplore?
When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done;	5
For I have more.
Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I have won
Others to sin, and made my sins their door?
Wilt Thou forgive that sin which I did shun
A year or two, but wallow'd in a score?	10
When Thou hast done, Thou hast not done;
For I have more.
I have a sin of fear, that when I've spun
My last thread, I shall perish on the shore;
But swear by Thyself that at my death Thy Son	15
Shall shine as He shines now and heretofore:
And having done that, Thou hast done;
I fear no more.

A Dream about Killing Sin

I had a very strange dream last night (which is not uncommon). It frightened me, and I awoke at around 5 full of all the details.  After chewing on it for a while this morning, I'm still curious about what it was communicating to me.  Here's a summary of the dream and what I've learned so far.

I was in a large, older home, which seemed to be located out in a heavily wooded area.  Somewhere in the dream I began talking with a large panther/cougar/cat of some sort.  This cat promised to leave me, to not harm me, and so I began to feel safe.  Towards the latter part of the dream I was outside of the house with lots of children (mine included).  They were playing in what seemed to be the outer part of the house which had been desolated, and looked condemned   Boards, bricks and other parts of the houses structure were falling down, lying across each other and preventing direct entrance into the house.  There was only one door to enter by, which was high off the ground and only accessible by crawling through the broken boards, rickety stairs and the houses broken frame.  I felt an urgent pull to get through that door.

A friend was there with me (not sure who, but he felt friendly).  This friend warned me about the cat which was lying below the door, underneath the dilapidated stairs.  As I crawled up towards the door, I looked down at the cat, which looked as though it had died long ago and already begun to decompose.  Its hide was rotting, leaving it looking like matted fur on old bones.  I told my friend not to worry, the dead cat wasn't a problem.  Then I began to cross over it towards the door.

I remember standing on the rotted beams of old stairs above the dead cat, looking down at it with fearful disgust.  That's when it moved towards me, still mostly dead, but able to come at me before I knew to move out of the way.  I fell through the stairs to the ground beside it, frightened that it would finish me off, angry that it had lied, and disturbed that it was still alive.  I began to try and run away from it through the tangled mess of timbers and brick, but it kept getting closer, its claws grasping the back of my shirt.  It caught up to me, pulled up beside me and whispered 'Kill me'.

I've been reading through James with my kids in the morning, not accidentally this was our passage today.

"You’re cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn’t care? The proverb has it that “he’s a fiercely jealous lover.” And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you’ll find. It’s common knowledge that “God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble.”

So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he’ll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it’s the only way you’ll get on your feet." James 4:4-10 The Message

It seems that this dream was playing out the warning I've consistently been hearing of late to be diligently killing sin.  John Owen said 'be killing sin, or it will be killing you'.  I've honestly never liked this idea.  Why can't I just be done with it?  Once it's killed it's gone for good.  The reality is sin lingers, maybe half-dead or mostly dead, but always capable of killing me.  I flirt with it often, not fully engaging it, but teasing ideas and old behaviors.

Humility states that if God is not drawing me near to himself, if he's not helping me purify my inner life, I would be fleeing towards sin.  The proud man says he has done away with sin, that he's doing alright now, dismissing the warnings of friends and not heeding the call of a wise and loving Abba.  Oh how I need grace to draw me near to a compassionate Father and away from a death-filled life.

Lovers Embrace

Hesitant to move closer,
afraid of being known.
Flee my soul's exposure,
insecure I stay alone.

Resisting free admission,
choked on eldest grief.
Long her affirmation,
find myself too weak.

My words escape unhindered,
'Lover please come near.'
Her steps fall in abundance,
soothing long held fear.

Am I enough a man?
the question old as me.
Held to her breast she answers,
'You were and will always be.'

To hear and know I'm wanted,
long I sought through work and sex.
In lovers arms is given,
my question finding rest.

-BH

'The hands of the king are the hands of a healer'

There's a reason I was attracted to the field of work that I'm in.  It's pretty simple really, I long for healing.  This stood out to me as I was reading Lord of the Rings, for what is probably the twelfth time.  My favorite part of the story doesn't lie with the stumbling into adventure, nor in the details of war.  My favorite chapters, the places where my heart is overjoyed when reading, have to do with the King returning from the threshold of war as healer.  Every time I read this section, which is relatively small in the context of the entire story, I stain my book with tears knowing that the king is not just a fighter (which is necessary), or wise (which is good), but that he's known by his healing.  I long for this in my own story.

"Thus spake Ioreth, wise-woman of Gondor: The hands of the king are the hands of a healer, and so shall the rightful king be known."

"And Aragorn hearing him, turned and said: 'Verily, for in the high tongue of old I am Elessar, the Elfstone, and Envinyatar, the Renewer.'" 

"Suddenly Faramir stirred, and he opened his eyes, and he looked on Aragorn who bent over him; and a light of knowledge and love was kindled in his eyes, and he spoke softly.  'My lord, you called me.  I come.  What does my lord command?' 'Walk no more in the shadows, but awake!' Said Aragorn."

"At the doors of the Houses many were already gathered to see Aragorn, and they followed after him; and when at last he had supped, men came and prayed that he would heal their kinsmen or their friends whose lives were in peril through hurt or wound, or who lay under the Black Shadow.  And Aragorn arose and went out, and he sent for the sons of Elrond, and together they laboured far into the night.  And word went through the City: 'The King is come again indeed.'" 

I began considering how many times in the gospel accounts the writers report Jesus in some form of healing ministry.  Indeed, in Matthew 11:4-5 Jesus proclaims his authority to John's disciples by telling them to report that 'The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor.' I wanted to count up the times he specifically heals, but I lost count, and I'm a little tired.  Needless to say, it was many.  While briefly over-viewing, it seems that the amount of times he heals, be it a crowd or individual, outnumbers or at least equals the times he preaches or teaches.

Not that healing supersedes preaching, or that it is somehow more important, but rather it is not either/or with Jesus but both/and.  This is no vague attempt at raising the flag of social justice over the dregs of dormant dogmatism.  At the seminary I graduated from there is a consistent struggle between these two parts of ministry (preaching and healing/counseling).  I think one reason there is such a tension is because the ability to do both is so far outside of our ability.  Rarely are there men like John Newton who seem to be able to do both so well (and he has plenty of critics).  Yet, this is who Jesus was and is.  He came to both preach good news to the poor and heal the heartbroken (Is.61).