Suffering Recalibrates the Heart

Imagine if your GPS was calibrated to have North as East.  Regardless of where you travel, be it a short trip at ease or a long difficult journey, you would find yourself struggling to figure out where you are and how to get where you want to go.

Essentially, this is what sin does in a man; it calibrates the heart so that self is the new center. This leaves us anxious, frustrated, and confused as we try to journey through life.  Big questions like, 'What should my vocation be?', 'How do I parent my kid(s)?', or 'Who should I date/marry?', leave us absolutely dumbfounded.  Why am I surprised by this?  Of course I can't figure it out; my internal map is off-kilter.  Mark records Jesus as saying that it's from within, from our hearts, that sin comes. (Mark 7:20-22) My map of history, current events and the future is weighed far too heavily with me as the center.  Living like this is like finding your way through the Swiss Alps when you've been given a map of the Appalachian Trail.  The territory looks somewhat familiar, but there's no way to make heads or tails of it.

Suffering

This is where suffering comes in.  It seems that throughout Scripture God uses suffering to recalibrate the heart (See Romans 5:1-11), to bring it from being calibrated by me to the true north of God.  Now, when life's pain hits us we're given opportunities to allow God to shift our center, or (as I most often do) to try and out-chess match God into ending the suffering so that I can keep my self as due north. (See Job 15:11-13) This never ends well.  In the midst of pain my heart constantly tries to wrestle from Him control and truth, until I eventually tire out and fall into Him.

I know that I hate this, yet I need and even long for it.  My heart is so off-kilter that it continues to lead me into chasms, cliffs, and dry valleys.  Suffering is meant to redirect us from these possibilities of death.  John Eldredge put it this way, through suffering God often 'keeps us from our heavens, in order to save us from hell.'  Throughout my pain God is beckoning me to let him shape my heart from self-centeredness into a heart that is softened with the gospel as its center.  This is the life to the fullest Jesus speaks of. (See John 10:10)

Trustworthiness

So why don't we just give in and stop fighting tooth and nail against this giving of rich, full life?  For me, it's that I don't trust Abba.  Too much of my deluded thinking believes that He's out to get me as some sort of sadistic self-promoting dictator.  In comes suffering again.  Every experience I've had when life seemed to sucker-punch me, be it with marital strife, negative finances, news of doom, or anything that led to a depressed and despairing heart; He's shown up.  If trust comes by way of repeated experiences of trustworthiness, then it seems that God is slowly alluring me into a safe trust of Him by consistently showing up when I go to throw in the towel.  How kind.  He doesn't demand my trust all up-front, or wait until I've managed to convince myself that He is trustworthy.  Nope.  Abba seeks me out, finds me in a hole like a sheep who wandered off and found himself stuck, and then beckons me let Him help me out, place me on his shoulders and carry me home (See Luke 15).

As you find yourself in the midst of suffering, be it small-scale or grand, pay attention to your own heart.  How is it trying to persuade you?  Then listen to Abba as he calls you into deeper intimate trust of Him.  

'For who is God, but the Lord?  And who is a rock, except our God?                           This God is my strong refuge and has made my way blameless.                             He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights.'              2 Samuel 22:32-34 

If You Make Your Kid Your Idol, They Learn to Worship Their Self

What's the difference between Christian and Non-Christian parenting in 21st century America?  Right, not much.  Possibly a few different activities, a dose of morality and rules, and maybe different schooling.  The reality seems to be that Christians parent their kids functionally in the same way as non-Christians in that parenting looks like worship.  As I work with teens, parents and kids- and try to figure out how to raise my own four kids- I become acutely aware of how easy, promoted and normal it is to parent children as if they are the idols for our worship.

What I mean is this, our world and their world revolves around them, they are the epicenter.  This takes many forms, some less obvious than others, involving many activities which are not inherently 'bad' and quite possibly 'good'.  Here's an example of one area it shows up, not the worst or one which is 'immoral', but quite normal.  Think for a minute about the amount of time parents now spend travelling, watching and fundraising for their child's sport (not to mention the finances spent).  I'm not against sports, in fact my favorite past time has become playing baseball with my son.  But if a child sees that their parents give up most of their free (and non-free) time following them around watching them perform at a sport, giving up their resources (including time for work, self-care, marriage, home life, etc) for the sake of them being able to achieve and win at a sport, they inherently pick up the message that life is all about them regardless of the cost to others.  Now after 18-24 years of this they move out on their own, get a job, start a family, go to church, etc. all with the ingrained notion that 'life is about me, regardless of the cost to others'.  It's no wonder that marriages end so soon after starting, or the amount of addiction in young adults.  They have no idea how to handle a life that is not about them or the pain and loss that necessarily comes from loving others.  They only know how to function as the epicenter, and when they are not they only learn how to escape the pain.

Honestly, I think this might even be more ingrained in kids raised in the 'focus on the family' generation.  Not only have they learned that their parents are all about them, but that God revolves around them as well.

The question then is what do you do.  How are Christian parents set-apart, raising their kids to be emotionally and spiritually healthy Christ-followers.  Below are a few suggestions (all of which I struggle with consistently).

Make your marriage more important than your children.
'Whoa, hold on there.  Seriously?  My marriage is more important than my kids?' you might be saying.  How better for a child to learn what Christ's love for the church looks like than when they see their parents participating in an other-centered, serving, giving, love relationship between their parents.  Here are some practical ideas: go to marriage therapy (even if it means you miss their game or have to give up purchasing something they want).  Go on a retreat without the kids.  Put them to bed early for the purpose of spending time together (and tell them that).  Let them see you show physical affection, at least as much as you show to your kids.  A friend also once mentioned that every night his dad would ask, "Son, do you know I love you? Son, do you know I love your mom?"
It's often been said that a parents greatest gift to their children is a healthy marriage.  Living and growing in a safe, stable marriage teaches a kid how to attach to others, be safe and grounded in the right things, and have a respect for themselves when they start dating.

Say no.
Children have a very strong built-in 'no muscle', which is unfortunately directed towards unhealthy self-centeredness.  Let them deal with hearing no, so that they might learn to use it themselves in a healthy way.  Any time a parent folds to a child's unnecessary demands, the child's epicenter of self is reinforced, brick by brick.  If you have a hard time distinguishing when it's appropriate and loving to say no, check out Cloud and Townsend's book Boundaries with Kids.

Follow Jesus.
If you follow him he will necessarily challenge and push against your own self-worship, which makes it much easier to not worship your kids.  Remember, Jesus absolutely loved kids, disrupting an entire cultures view of them.  (See Matthew 10:12-14; 18:14-16; 19:12-14)  Yet he also called parents to place following him before their kids in Luke 14:25-27.  For more in depth teaching on this really hard passage check out Mark Driscoll's article here.  As a child watches their parents follow Jesus their attention naturally moves from a self-centered to a Gospel-centered focus.

Teach them to grieve.
Rather than teaching them how to get over their pain, move on and put on a happy face, teach them how to deal with loss.  A child who grows into a self-focused adult and who does not know how to handle loss, failure or pain will inevitably turn to addiction.  Teach your child to journal for an understanding of self, communicate and reveal to others what's going on in their heart, cry, lament, and be angry.  If you're like me, you're starting at a deficit when teaching your child this.  Get help.  Find a good process-oriented therapist, get in a group, and read this book by Pete Scazzero called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality.

Eat together.
This is one of the simplest, hardest things to do as a family.  We're busy, stressed and pulled a thousand ways.  Make some time together each week around the dinner table and make it mandatory.  Even if, especially if, your kid has to give up a self-want.  So much good conversation, growth together and other-centeredness happens around the dinner table.  Think about it; they have to learn to wait on others before they begin eating themselves, be quiet enough to hear others speak, face others rather than inanimate self-absorbing objects, and they get to see practical examples of how parents work through issues, make decisions, converse about their day, laugh, cry and pray together.

Pray.
Pray with them, for them, and for their heart's to change.  Hear what God says he'll do with our hearts in Ezekiel 36:25-27 (The Message)

"Here's what I'm going to do...I'll pour pure water over you and scrub you clean.  I'll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you.  I'll remove the stone heart from your body and replace it with a heart that's God-willed, not self-willed.  I'll put my Spirit in you and make it possible for you to do what I tell you and live by my comands...You'll be my people! I'll be your God!"

Heart change doesn't happen apart from God's internal work.  No amount of bible study, VBS, family worship, catechism memorization, or church attendance can have this affect apart from Abba's working in your kid.

By not worshiping your child you teach them how to love and be loved, need and give, deal with their emotions, say no to the right things, and follow Jesus.  They may get angry, throw fits and whine now, but they'll love you for it later (as will their spouse and your grandchildren!).

Spiritual Health is not Emotional Lobotomy

There seems to be a hidden notion in much of Christianity that holds up the idea that the truly spiritual has no need for emotion, or at the least has their emotions under control.  Hence the title of this blog.  For myself, I spent so many years essentially trying to lobotomize my spiritual life (rid it of emotion) that I nearly disassociated from my self.  That is until my poor emotional health pointed out the lack of my spiritual life.  You can't have one without the other.  In fact, God so dynamically created us that our spiritual, emotional, social, physical and mental health are all intertwined.

It's a sad state that so many Christians believe their emotional self is detrimental to, or even harmful of, their spiritual self.  

In Isaiah 61, which is where Jesus read from at the outset of his ministry in Luke 4 (think: vision statement), the Messiah is said to be the one anointed by God to bind up the brokenhearted.  Let that marinate for a minute.  To heal the heartbroken.  Jesus did not say that he came to 'do away with heartbreak' or 'replace one's emotional state with a more rational self.'  Nope.  To heal.  This means to make your emotional self even more whole than it is now.  

Now apply this mission to his encounters with people throughout the Gospels:

-The Samaritan woman, a woman deep in shame, was forgiven.  This forgiveness came through a man sitting and speaking to her heart in the middle of a hot day.  A man who didn't care to take on the shame encountered for sitting with and talking to, for all practical reasons, a whore.  Think of the relief she had from his strong and gentle presence as he spoke with respectful honesty. (John 4:1-45)

-Bartimaeus, a blind beggar rebuked when he asked for mercy (literally told to shut up so as not to disturb everyone else) was told to take heart because Jesus was calling him.  His sight was healed, and possibly for the first time in a long time this beggar, this man who sat on the same side of the road every day asking others to give, was asked by the God-Man what it is that he desires. (Mark 10:46-52)

-A woman who had internal bleeding for over a decade, of which the physical trauma alone would scare a person's psyche, but who was additionally told she was unclean and thus not allowed to worship or even be touched; she was freed from the internal wound as well as the shame, doubts and questions she had about her worth when Jesus saw her and called her to take heart. (Matt. 9:20-22)

-Read the entire account of Lazarus' death.  Notice how Jesus enters into the sisters' anger, fear, mourning, grief and confusion.  He doesn't stay stoic.  He doesn't tell them to stop being angry, to get it together, to put on a happy face.  He's moved, troubled even.  He could  have left Lazarus for the resurrection Martha knew was coming, but he didn't.  At great cost to himself (his death is plotted on account of this act, which he must have been fully aware of)  he wept with hurting sisters and loudly calls out his friend from the dead. (John 11:1-44)

There's plenty more.  This is only four of the thirty to forty miracles recorded in Scripture.  Read these passages and get a feel for the man who claimed he came anointed by God to heal the heartbroken.  

My challenge is this.  Please stop thinking Jesus doesn't care about anything but your spiritual state, and by that I mean those things Christian's ought to be doing.  Notice that he more than just takes a care about your emotional self.  He seeks you out.  He literally pursues the healing of your heart, those emotional wounds you've carried on your own which no one knows of because you think you can't speak of them.  Allow Jesus in when you're ready.  Allow him into your anger, your loneliness, your disappointment.  He is the great healer after all, not just the great forgiver.