Wandering

I'm at one of those places in life where each step seems to affirm that I live in a constant wandering.  By that I mean to say I never feel sure where my next step will take me.

At times, this wandering produces excitement and curiosity, with the words of Bilbo Baggins reminding me that 'if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off.' At other times, rather than being 'swept' off my feet in some grand adventure, I feel like I'm lost at sea, pummeled by incessant waves, barely able to see over one before the next comes crashing down.

My emotion resonates with this imagery of being at sea; high waves with endless sight of water and little to no sure sign of what's coming next.  Some while back I began thinking through my life as a small ship, myself the first-mate while Abba is Captain.  This imagery led me to consider my response to feeling lost at sea, fearful of storms and their capsizing waves, which usually falls into one of several categories.

At the first sign of trouble I may endeavor to rip the wheel from my Captains' hand, assured in myself that I know a better way to stay the storm.

Or, when feeling lost and confused, I see myself as fumbling with a telescope and map, desperately searching for what lies ahead, determined to foresee the next part of this adventure before it comes to be.

When dread or despair of the raging storm overwhelms me I may even try to jump ship, believing the boat and its Captain to be unsafe and more dangerous than what lurks in the waves.

If fear begins to take hold of me I may find myself seeking shelter below deck, believing if I hide the storm will pass me by unscathed.

The option I seek out far less than the others is to patiently trust my Captain.  It seems absurd to doubt Him.  He's led so many on this Way before that I'm astounded by my own unbelief and cowering heart.  To live on deck in the midst of the storm, at work with the things at hand, seems to be the way of faith.  Faith which is not simply wishful thinking that somehow this storm will pass, but which is grounded in the fact that if this ship sinks, runs ashore, or breaks asunder; my Captain will have me, He won't let me perish.

This trusting faith escapes me.  I long to live my wandering life with the affirmative shout of O' Captain, My Captain!  Yet I so often find myself cursing the Captain for how long the journey takes, murmuring about how great the waves are, or complaining about the intensity of the storm.

"Jesus had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." Matthew 9:36