Self Awareness of Poverty and Love

It seems dichotomous to think that the Christian walk involves knowing oneself as a poor and desperately needy child, while at the same time knowing oneself as a child who has received the favor and affection of Abba God.  In my life it seems that I have often veered towards living solely in either one or the other awareness.  At times I focus in on my life as the beloved and begin to think it is because of my great gifts, skills or lovability, which leads to an over-inflated view of self.  At other times I find myself dwelling on my utter poverty and depravity of mind and heart, which often leads to a despondent and hateful view of self.

To hold these two seemingly dichotomous views together in tension involves seeing myself as one who was loved first (1 John 4:19) and who is blessed in my poverty (Matt. 5:3), fully aware of being both depraved and beloved.  This leads to a proper self awareness, which frees me from either thinking too highly of myself without merit or too lowly without the merit of Christ.

"The first step in liberation from self-hatred is to move from the darkness of self-delusion into the daylight of God's truth...to accept that I am unacceptable, to renounce self-justification, to give up my preposterous pretending that my paltry prayers, spiritual insights, knowledge of Scripture, and blustering successes in ministry have made me pleasing to God.  No antecedent beauty enamors me in his eyes.  I am lovable because he loves me.  Period." ~Brennan Manning