If You Make Your Kid Your Idol, They Learn to Worship Their Self

What's the difference between Christian and Non-Christian parenting in 21st century America?  Right, not much.  Possibly a few different activities, a dose of morality and rules, and maybe different schooling.  The reality seems to be that Christians parent their kids functionally in the same way as non-Christians in that parenting looks like worship.  As I work with teens, parents and kids- and try to figure out how to raise my own four kids- I become acutely aware of how easy, promoted and normal it is to parent children as if they are the idols for our worship.

What I mean is this, our world and their world revolves around them, they are the epicenter.  This takes many forms, some less obvious than others, involving many activities which are not inherently 'bad' and quite possibly 'good'.  Here's an example of one area it shows up, not the worst or one which is 'immoral', but quite normal.  Think for a minute about the amount of time parents now spend travelling, watching and fundraising for their child's sport (not to mention the finances spent).  I'm not against sports, in fact my favorite past time has become playing baseball with my son.  But if a child sees that their parents give up most of their free (and non-free) time following them around watching them perform at a sport, giving up their resources (including time for work, self-care, marriage, home life, etc) for the sake of them being able to achieve and win at a sport, they inherently pick up the message that life is all about them regardless of the cost to others.  Now after 18-24 years of this they move out on their own, get a job, start a family, go to church, etc. all with the ingrained notion that 'life is about me, regardless of the cost to others'.  It's no wonder that marriages end so soon after starting, or the amount of addiction in young adults.  They have no idea how to handle a life that is not about them or the pain and loss that necessarily comes from loving others.  They only know how to function as the epicenter, and when they are not they only learn how to escape the pain.

Honestly, I think this might even be more ingrained in kids raised in the 'focus on the family' generation.  Not only have they learned that their parents are all about them, but that God revolves around them as well.

The question then is what do you do.  How are Christian parents set-apart, raising their kids to be emotionally and spiritually healthy Christ-followers.  Below are a few suggestions (all of which I struggle with consistently).

Make your marriage more important than your children.
'Whoa, hold on there.  Seriously?  My marriage is more important than my kids?' you might be saying.  How better for a child to learn what Christ's love for the church looks like than when they see their parents participating in an other-centered, serving, giving, love relationship between their parents.  Here are some practical ideas: go to marriage therapy (even if it means you miss their game or have to give up purchasing something they want).  Go on a retreat without the kids.  Put them to bed early for the purpose of spending time together (and tell them that).  Let them see you show physical affection, at least as much as you show to your kids.  A friend also once mentioned that every night his dad would ask, "Son, do you know I love you? Son, do you know I love your mom?"
It's often been said that a parents greatest gift to their children is a healthy marriage.  Living and growing in a safe, stable marriage teaches a kid how to attach to others, be safe and grounded in the right things, and have a respect for themselves when they start dating.

Say no.
Children have a very strong built-in 'no muscle', which is unfortunately directed towards unhealthy self-centeredness.  Let them deal with hearing no, so that they might learn to use it themselves in a healthy way.  Any time a parent folds to a child's unnecessary demands, the child's epicenter of self is reinforced, brick by brick.  If you have a hard time distinguishing when it's appropriate and loving to say no, check out Cloud and Townsend's book Boundaries with Kids.

Follow Jesus.
If you follow him he will necessarily challenge and push against your own self-worship, which makes it much easier to not worship your kids.  Remember, Jesus absolutely loved kids, disrupting an entire cultures view of them.  (See Matthew 10:12-14; 18:14-16; 19:12-14)  Yet he also called parents to place following him before their kids in Luke 14:25-27.  For more in depth teaching on this really hard passage check out Mark Driscoll's article here.  As a child watches their parents follow Jesus their attention naturally moves from a self-centered to a Gospel-centered focus.

Teach them to grieve.
Rather than teaching them how to get over their pain, move on and put on a happy face, teach them how to deal with loss.  A child who grows into a self-focused adult and who does not know how to handle loss, failure or pain will inevitably turn to addiction.  Teach your child to journal for an understanding of self, communicate and reveal to others what's going on in their heart, cry, lament, and be angry.  If you're like me, you're starting at a deficit when teaching your child this.  Get help.  Find a good process-oriented therapist, get in a group, and read this book by Pete Scazzero called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality.

Eat together.
This is one of the simplest, hardest things to do as a family.  We're busy, stressed and pulled a thousand ways.  Make some time together each week around the dinner table and make it mandatory.  Even if, especially if, your kid has to give up a self-want.  So much good conversation, growth together and other-centeredness happens around the dinner table.  Think about it; they have to learn to wait on others before they begin eating themselves, be quiet enough to hear others speak, face others rather than inanimate self-absorbing objects, and they get to see practical examples of how parents work through issues, make decisions, converse about their day, laugh, cry and pray together.

Pray.
Pray with them, for them, and for their heart's to change.  Hear what God says he'll do with our hearts in Ezekiel 36:25-27 (The Message)

"Here's what I'm going to do...I'll pour pure water over you and scrub you clean.  I'll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you.  I'll remove the stone heart from your body and replace it with a heart that's God-willed, not self-willed.  I'll put my Spirit in you and make it possible for you to do what I tell you and live by my comands...You'll be my people! I'll be your God!"

Heart change doesn't happen apart from God's internal work.  No amount of bible study, VBS, family worship, catechism memorization, or church attendance can have this affect apart from Abba's working in your kid.

By not worshiping your child you teach them how to love and be loved, need and give, deal with their emotions, say no to the right things, and follow Jesus.  They may get angry, throw fits and whine now, but they'll love you for it later (as will their spouse and your grandchildren!).