The Cross and Vulnerability

Sitting with friends recently, it occurred to us just how difficult it is to be honest.  Truly honest.  Not the kind of honesty that holds back in fear of being rejected, nor the kind that honestly says what you 'should' say to others.  This aversion to honesty stems out of an inability to be vulnerable.  Reflecting on the cross, I realized how much it has to teach me about living a vulnerable life.  Gutsy, raw, nothing-held-back, fully self-aware vulnerability.

It is really astounding to observe the vulnerability of Jesus in the Gospel of John as he drew near to the cross in that last week. 

• He asks his followers and friends to forfeit their life, to die like a grain of wheat as they follow him.  (John 12:20-26)  O how difficult I find it to speak my needs, dreams, hurts, and heart to those close to me for fear that they would leave me.
• He fully understands who he is, his purpose in life and in a giving death, and does not withhold this knowing from his friends.  (12:27-36)  It seems insurmountable at times to let others in on my identity as it seems to harsh a risk to have who I am rejected or spurned.
• He acts like a slave washing the crusted dirt off his friends' feet, which includes his betrayer. (13:1-20)  To lower my head and receive the reputation of a slave and ragamuffin does not become me; and this is only with my friends, it seems entirely foolish to do this with my enemies.  
• He calls for his followers to love like he loves, entirely confident with every relationship he had ever encountered.  (13:31-35)  I tremble as I think of teaching my own children the way of love.
• He unequivocally, without hesitation, pronounces himself absolute truth, way and life. (14:1-14) How often I hesitate to identify myself with Christianity for fear of being misunderstood, disliked or frowned upon.  
• He considers another more important than himself as he assures his friends of the sending of the Helper. (14:15-31)  If you knew me, there seems no way to over-state my lacking in this.  
• He knows and speaks of the absolute necessity to be connected to him/abide in him, and freely asks others to do so.  (15:1-17)  I am so terrified to be this connected and furiously loved by Abba.
• He embraces loneliness, becoming entirely abandoned, and does not retreat from it as he remains intimate with Abba.  (16:29-33)  O, how I long to be this connected and secure.
• He prays to Abba with all honesty, neediness, care, and boldness, and he does so aloud with his followers.  (John 17) Often I find my voice is all to afraid to beseech Abba in front of my peers as I am more concerned with their critique or response than with the bending of His ear to hear me.
• He neither fights nor flees those seeking to put him to death, for his fear is in the holiness of Abba rather than in the swords of men.  (18:1-14)  My security far too often depends on the support of men than in being kept by Abba.  
• He answers with full truth when his life is on the line, rather than bending his words to appease his accusers. (18:19-40)  My answers most often turn themselves to my ideal of what is wanting to be heard.
• He walks head first into his vulgar, demeaning murder, fully aware that the power of his death was held entirely by his Father.  (19:1-16)  In times of uncertainty my faith is blown about like a ship at sea, and consistently forgets the Holder of my past, present, and future.
• He was more concerned about his mother and followers continued caring relationships than he was about his own bloody, tortured and dying body.  (19:25-27)  At the slightest hint of discomfort my gaze is turned inward, rather than on those under my care.  
• He laid in the grave, trusting that His Father could raise him from the greatest power man had ever known; fully abandoning himself to trusting Abba's love and power.  (19:31-42)  To have that kind of unbounded trust would truly set me free.

The entirety of his walk toward the cross was basked in the knowing presence of Abba.  His faith did not retreat or run away as he knew I AM was a keeper of His promises.  In this abiding intimacy Jesus was capable of making himself completely vulnerable to his lovers and haters; friends and enemies; followers and pursuers; disciples and crucifiers.  

If I am to make myself vulnerable, the cross of Christ teaches me that I must abide in Abba, having my safe and secure attachment in His faithful, Fatherly love.  Then and only then do I stand a fool's hope of being intimately and vulnerably known by those around me.