On being Honest...

Such a vital part of vulnerability comes by way of being honest.  By this I am referring to true honesty, with all its scary, terrifying truth.  If I can't be honest with myself, then I stand no chance of being honest with others.  If I am unable to be honest with others, how will they ever know me?  Thus, how will I ever connect at an intimate level with another?

Here's my task: to speak where I'm at, what I feel, want, think to another.  Lay it out there, show my cards.  In the past week I've resolved to do this twice, with each situation having drastic possibilities for this thing called honesty to blow up in my face.  Yet, I've set my teeth and determined to do it.  To speak truthfully and vulnerably; with all my pain, fears, and hesitations.  The hard part comes when the recipient of this honesty is not a safe person.  So, I'm giving them an opportunity, allowing them in a bit and letting them respond as they will.  The chances of this hurting are pretty great, with the chances of this healing and developing growth in relationships equally as possible.

In case your asking 'How can I be honest with someone I feel unsafe communicating with?' here's one idea that's seemed to work for me.  Write a letter.  I began by writing a letter in my journal, never intending on letting another read it.  After a week or two of chewing and digesting all the pain, fury and sadness in my journal, I sat down with a pen to write another.  I read it aloud; to myself, close friends, and my wife.  The feedback I received rang true to what I was trying to express.

What about the motivation behind writing out honest pain, fears, bitterness, rage and desires?  To be quite honest, I don't expect anything in return.  The mere notion of standing up for myself, expressing some of my deepest wounds and longings, has been quite enough.  In fact, for quite a while I didn't even see the need in sending the letter, but eventually wanted to give another the chance of receiving me.  Honesty can't be grounded in seeking change in another, which is a not-so-subtle form of manipulation.  Rather honesty must allow them the opportunity to hear and respond however they might.

I think Jesus knew this.  He allowed others into his pain, his identity, and even his intimate communication with the Father.  Yet, he knew many would never receive him, but would instead betray him, deny his friendship, and use his words against him.  But he vulnerably communicated with them anyway.

Why?

Jesus could be honest with those around him because of who he was secure in.  His security did not rely on their acceptance, approval, or faithfulness to him.  He was in no way dependent on men for his identity, voice, power or freedom.  Rather, and this is so huge to me, he was securely loved by his Father, and knew that regardless of his emotion, or how others responded to his communication, he would be loved and kept by Him.
His security was abiding in Abba's furious love for him.
My security can abide in Abba's furious love for me.

I can speak honestly from myself because I am a kept, secured, and loved child of Abba.