No Neutral Relating

A former boss/mentor/fatherly-friend once told me 'You can't not lead; the fact is you're always leading, it's just a matter of how well or poorly you're doing it.'  This phrase has been stuck in my head for years now, and always seems to find new areas to lay hold of.  Lately, this saying has modified into 'You can't not affect others in relationships, you're either building up or tearing down, there is no neutral.'

"Sin sprouts, as banana trees on the Nile, whenever the effect of your relationships with others is to diminish rather than enlarge them.  There is no neutral corner in your human encounters, no antiseptic arena in which 'nobody else is hurt' or 'nobody else knows about it.'  You either make people a little better, or leave them a little worse."  Frederick Buechner

When I read the above quote I was affirmed in so much of my own woundedness, as well as provoked to consider the many ways in which I have wounded others.  It seems that so much of what we do in ourselves we consider to have no effect on those with whom we are intimately relating.  I think this is most clearly seen in addiction, wherein the addict believes the only harm being procured is to themselves (if they see any at all), and in this self-absorbed blindness they fail to see the emotional harm they cause to those around them, whether by blatant jabs and emotive cuts of anger, or in the more subtle but quite as harmful inattention they pay.

This also seems to be the case in those personal and secretive sins, such as pornography.  The idea that one can use pornography to meet internal needs is in itself a denial to those with whom you are relating to intimately meet those very needs (intimacy is much grander than just sex).  By overly giving my attention to an object, behavior or substance, I am essentially denying another to know me, and in the process denying another of being known.  Thus, what I once considered something harmful only to myself has wounded those who I was made to share life with intimately.  This wound typically finds its target in another's worth and identity.

Unfortunately, the buck doesn't stop with addicts and pornographers.  This giving of myself to an object, behavior or substance occurs at a much grander level.  What about when I deny another intimacy as I give myself too fully to my work, leisure, religion, entertainment, studies, self-satisfaction, etc.?  When Abba asked for Israel's affection, He referred to this denial as their worshiping idols and false-gods.

I write this with much sorrow as I recognize the past, current, and future wounds I gave and will give to my wife and children, all due to my self-focused activity and behavior which I consider(ed) harmful to no one but myself.

"Life can be taken out of others in rivulets and drops, in the small daily failures of inattention, that bitterest fruit of self-absorption, as surely as by the terrible strokes to their hearts." Brennan Manning 

I believe the question to ask oneself is 'Who am I denying intimate relationship, and what am I doing which is hindering this?'  I believe changing this is as simple as paying attention.  First, to myself and the needs I am seeking to meet in all my behaviors and  relationships.  Secondly, to those who I am in relationship, and to what I am denying them in my behaviors and relationships.  Third, pay attention to what those around me are longing for with and from me.  Abba wired us for intimacy, and it really is as simple as paying attention to how to feed that intimate hunger.