Posted: Listen (self-awareness)

Last weekend I was exploring and working through some fears I have in regards to potential sin, future mistakes, career decisions, etc.  Rather than what I have normally heard from others (i.e. just try harder; buckle down, grit your teeth, and push through; trust more; have more faith; persevere), the feedback I received was much different.

Listen.

Quit trying to fix everything and just pay attention to what you hear.  This listening is not referring to the many different voices around me, but rather to what's going on inside me.  This idea of self-awareness is relatively new to my Christian walk.  By self-aware I mean knowing myself in relation to me, others, and Yahweh.
Most of the time I feel like I'm walking with a serious limp as I attempt to know myself.  In fact, there are times this seems at odds with following Jesus, or at least the version of Jesus I was introduced to earlier on in life.  Now, I'm not so sure.  Several new ideas are starting to form as I contemplate the self-aware Christian.

• How can I 'cast my cares on the Lord' (Ps. 55:22; 1 Peter 5:7), if I don't have any notion of what my cares are?  It seems we so often use this phrase as an escape from having to actually identify the pain, grief, and shame which saturates their lives (aka 'Let go and let God').
    
• The Proverbs seem to consistently put a great emphasis on understanding before speaking, which I don't believe is limited to just external cognitive knowledge.  Rather, to be non-foolish, one needs to understand themselves, as well as those around them before they speak (Prov. 1:4-6, 4:1,18:2).  Thus, speaking for self involves understanding others and oneself before a word is ever uttered.
   
• Additionally, the Proverbs call us to listen before speaking. (Prov. 1:5; 4:10; 12:15; 18:13) Listening, not just hearing, necessitates receiving feedback from others about oneself, which is then integrated into ones total self-knowledge.  To speak before listening (receiving from others what they are offering in the form of feedback, instruction, affirmation, correction, etc.), is as foolish as taking a trip cross-country without receiving supplies, direction, or advice.  At some point you'll most likely find yourself stranded, out of fuel, and isolated on the side of the road.
   
• The mere essence of the Trinity is one of knowing and being known.  This knowing does not end in regards to others, but is found in its fullness when turned inwards.  Jesus not only knew the Father and walked in obedience, but had a firm grasp on who he was (the Son - John 8:28), what he was sent to do (Isaiah 61/Luke 4:17-19 - set the captives free), and the limits of himself (Matt. 24:36 - the Son doesn't know the day nor the hour).  How can one know and be known by others when they are disconnected from themselves?
   
• The actions of Jesus seem to come out of a profound awareness of self in relation to who he knew himself to be, who he knew others to be, and who he knew Abba to be.  Time spent alone, or with friends, at sea, in the synagogue, or in large crowds are all intentional actions coming out of Christ's  intimate knowledge of self.  Often, I think I have made the mistake of viewing the Son of Man as a robot implanted with a divine hard-drive, rather than a man of sorrows who daily sought communion with Abba.
   
• The need for self-awareness is also seen in Jesus' communication with others.  He pushed the rich man to see he couldn't find righteousness on his own (Mark 10:17-30).  After Peter denied him, he pushed Peter to embrace the pain he had caused, as well as who he was being transformed to be as a Shepherd (John 21:15-19).  At the well he challenged the Samaritan woman to see herself, truly see herself, in all her brokenness, sinfulness and need, and after glimpsing herself as she is, her eyes were opened to the Messiah (John 4:1-45).
   

I've seen the joys of self-awareness in my marriage, the glimmering shadow of my relationship with Abba.  If knowing myself truly has such a profound impact as I relate to my wife, how much more will it have as I relate to my Father.  Is self-awareness painful at times?  You bet, but how else can I commune with Abba without it.